Forgiveness or a Favor?
As Christians we know the freedom that comes when we forgive those who sin against us. Therefore when we feel hurt or offended we often turn our hearts and efforts to forgiveness.
But what if this is actually bypassing something we need to see? What if this is allowing something more subtle to remain under the waterline of our souls that keeps us in a recurring state of agitation, wreaking havoc on our hearts and relationships?
Let’s shine some light today on this overlooked concept that may lead to the freedom we desire.
Ready? Here it is: We sometimes have trouble forgiving because there is actually no sin to forgive.
Read that again if you need to.
I heard this explained years ago by Henry Cloud, co-author of the Boundaries book series, in a video on forgiveness. This isn’t an exact quote, but the basic idea is that sometimes we don’t like the way a person has treated us or the way they handled a situation. However, not everyone views things the same way we do. When we want people to behave the way we want them to behave, we are really just asking for a favor. We don’t necessarily have a higher moral ground just because we don’t like the way a person handled a situation and our feelings got hurt.
In other words we often think we are having trouble forgiving someone for what we perceive as an offense, when in reality the issue stems from something deep within us, not them. This can leave us going round and round a mountain chasing a heart to forgive when it’s not a forgiveness issue at all. Rather, it’s a lack of self-reflection that has left a blind spot about our own emotional needs or woundedness and the expectations these lead us to place on others.
Let’s look at an example: One mother has an adult daughter who doesn’t honor her and even disrespects her in words and actions. Another mother has an adult daughter who is kind and respectful but who doesn’t call her every day as the mother would like. Both are good Christian mothers who are hurt and feel resentful and are trying to work toward forgiveness. Yet, scripture tells us the first daughter has sinned against her mother while the latter may simply not be living up to an unrealistic expectation. This may seem obvious as we read this, but when our feelings are hurt we may need God to help us sort out which is which. And He wants to help us do this.
The truth is, we all have emotional needs and we all need safe people in our lives who help meet those needs. God made us this way.
Yet some are blind to their depth of need and put heavy burdens on others to meet them. This is a recipe for constant offense and it wreaks havoc on relationships. Worse still, it may be fueling a sense of rejection as people pull away from us if they sense we are holding a grudge when they know they haven’t done anything wrong.
We can keep living in offense or we can slow down and begin the self-reflective work with God (and maybe a therapist or spiritual director) that brings revelation of truth about what is really going on under the waterline of our souls.
With God’s help we can assess our emotional needs, find inner-healing for hurts and discern which of our needs only God’s deep love can meet and which ones can be met by other safe people He has brought into our lives.
From this emotionally healthy position, we can learn to make realistic requests from our safe people – or when we are feeling extra-needy, we can ask them for a favor. And if they love us and want to support us, they can choose to oblige.
God wants to help us walk in peace and freedom; but it may not always be a forgiveness issue. God may be trying to prompt us to attend to our own emotional health and personal growth into Christ’s likeness.
social media image credit: @caribou15
